Rob’s Testimony

SO . . . testimony . . . yeah . . . Well, I guess the best place to start is at the beginning. I don’t know of any weird stuff that happened to me in my youngest years so I can only really chalk up what I’ve been through to generational sin or the fact that we live in a world that is as corrupt as it is. I don’t remember much of a time earlier than, I’ll say, 1992. My family was living in a two-story house with my aunt and two cousins. The first thing I remember ever taking place in the realm of sexual sin was walking home from the bus stop and coming across a torn-out page of a Playboy or something like that. It was a little thing of like four by six, but that was all I needed since it had a pair of exposed breasts on it. I remember, at some other point while we were living there, talking to my cousin by the pool we had in the back yard about how I could imagine a woman’s breasts felt like the outside edge of the water-filled vinyl of the pool. This would probably seem a little crazy to some people as this took place when I was in like third grade.

I’d say a couple of years went by before the next thing I can recall. At one point I had gotten in to looking at Victoria’s Secret catalogs. One time I was even in my room masturbating (actually just doing something that felt good, not knowing what it was) to one of the catalogs and my mom walked in on me. I tried to hide the catalog under my covers and when she asked to see what it was, I showed her. She told me that it was fine I was looking at it since they were “covered”. This was probably the point that began my obsession with women in their underwear. As time went on I kept my addiction to this relatively “innocent” state.

Going in to middle school and stuff I was more interested in girls and got even more interested in the shape of a girl’s body. I remember being closetly obsessed with one girl for having a “decent set” earlier than the other girls. Even though I was definitely getting more interested in womanly figures, I hadn’t gotten into pornography beyond the lingerie catalogs we’d get in the mail.

Once we moved to another town and I was going through junior high I got even more interested in girls. Some time during my seventh grade year I got into talking to girls on the internet (the early days of the web). I met a girl from PA and we became involved sexually. I lost my virginity to a fourteen year old while I was still just twelve.

Over the next few years I’d get more into internet pornography and through a couple of relationships that had different levels of sexual interaction. Finally during my junior year of high school I met my future wife. We spent the first nine months or so after we met becoming friends and getting to know each other. I was interested in dating right away but she had told me she wasn’t interested in dating. I’m convinced at this point that worked out for the better. After dating for about a year and a half we started having sex. I was already used to thinking this was a natural thing (though in the deepest parts of my heart I knew it was wrong), Victoria, who was still a virgin, was upset but started to feel like the seal was broken so what’s the point in holding back any more.

After both of us graduated from high school and some time passed that I was able to feel more secure in a job and getting back to school for a more defined career we got married. At this point I was quite a bit heavier into looking at internet pornography. By now there was no point in getting magazines or videos that could be found, all I had to do was go to any number of websites to find plenty of images and even some videos to appease my sexual appetite then all I had to do was clear my internet history and no one would know what I was involved in.

Over the course of the next couple years I’d get found out about my porn addiction on a few occasions and I’d carry on over and over again with going back to it.  Ultimately I had gotten to the point where I had my wife convinced for four years that I was clean from my addiction to pornography. At this point I started getting deeper in my relationship with Jesus and His Father and the Holy Spirit. Over the course of the next while I was continually confessing my sin to God and asking for His help in overcoming my addiction. I had been feeling God beginning to tell me that I needed to confess my addiction to my wife. I had been fighting it, finding all kinds of excuses not to. One morning I was listening to For Today’s album Breaker and one song caught my ear. It wasn’t the lyrics that caught my ear, but just the power I felt in the music and delivery of it. Upon going home and looking up the lyrics I was convinced I had to confess. The next morning I was in the car and I decided that day would be the day I’d tell her. Throughout the day I was back and forth about whether or not it would happen that night. On the way home I was wavering heavily away from telling her. I felt God tell me that if I put my faith in Him and confessed, that He would cleanse me of the addiction I had been struggling with for close to fifteen years. Then I put the song that had hit me the day before back on . . .

For Today – White Flag
(lyrics in video as well)

You see my blood and sweat and tears I have poured on the ground before you.
Take everything.
Blood and sweat and tears, you have poured on the ground before me,
When you gave everything.

I have lived this war too long.
Come and take everything.
I have lived in sin too long.
Come and take everything.
I release it all, finally.

Finally, I surrender.
All to you, I give it all to you.
Finally, I surrender.
All I am, I owe it all to you.
Finally, I surrender.
All to you, I give it all to you.
Finally, I surrender.
All I am, I owe it all…

You fight for me when I can’t fight for myself.
This battle is not mine, but the battle belongs to the Lord.
This battle is not mine, but the battle belongs to the Lord.

I am no slave unto this broken flesh, because you gave me hope.
I am no slave unto this broken flesh, because you are my hope.
I am no slave to this broken flesh–that man has died.
I am a free man!
I am a free man! 

Under the blood, I rise.
Redeemed, I stand;
Carried back from hell by your nail-scarred hands.
And now I’m free.
You broke my chains and you gave me the key.
Redeemed, I stand;
Carried back from hell by your nail-scarred hands.
And now I’m free.
You broke my chains and you gave me the key.

So I bow to show you, that you are everything to me.

Finally, I surrender.
All to you, I give it all to you.
Finally, I surrender.
All I am, I owe it all to you.
Finally, I surrender.
All to you, I give it all to you.
Finally, I surrender.
All I am, I owe it all… to you.

So that’s what I did. I surrendered. I trusted God and became obedient to His will for me to confess my sins and be honest with the woman I claimed to love and cherish second only to God Himself. I was worried my wife was going to get mad at me like she had all the other times. That she was going to make me feel lousy and regret confessing. Amazingly, I couldn’t help but smile when I told her. I had this HUGE weight lift from my shoulders and I felt honestly FREE for the first time in my life.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you there haven’t been trials or temptations. There have been some struggles. There still are some. I can thankfully say, though, that I have been pornography and masturbation (without my wife’s company at least) [editorial note: as in I only masturbate while being intimate with my wife, no porn involved] free for over a year now.

I hope my story can be an evidence to any one else struggling with a pornography and lust addiction that God can and WILL heal you if you ask Him to. I’d be happy to pray for you or even be an online-accountability partner if you’d like. Just remember the first step is complete honesty with your friends and loved ones and obedience to God.

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About R. Samuel Tiedemann

A husband to my high school sweetheart, a father to my two sons, an amateur writer/blogger, a part-time gamer, an anabaptist, and a Christian Anarchist.
This entry was posted in perversity, porn, pornography, relationships, sex, sexual addiction, sexual sin, sexual temptation, testimony and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Rob’s Testimony

  1. Victoria / Justice Pirate says:

    In case anyone is confused by what Rob means with “that I have been pornography and masturbation (without my wife’s company at least) free for over a year now.” . . .he doesn’t looks at porn at all and if he masturbates, it is with MY help within us being sexual together. I think this might have confused people to thinking that I let him look at such things and do that as long as I’m there, and that’s not the case. Just wanted to make the point, and hopefully people will read this comment if they are confused or alarmed. We don’t promote porn AT ALL and we think Masturbation OUTSIDE of the presence of being with your spouse is very wrong.

    I love you and thank you for being so open about what God has done for your life!

  2. Lynsie says:

    Rob, thank you!! What made you realize that pornography was wrong, why did you feel guilty about it and why did you know you had to stop?

  3. Katrina says:

    wow. Rob you’ve no idea how many saved men have gone through what you have. It takes a real man to admit it though. God bless.

  4. FatherOf4 says:

    Rob, I appreciate your vulnerability. I, too, would like to know what made you realize pornography was wrong. I would also know what God-given desire you were trying to artificially fill with pornography. (for instance – the concept of having a beautiful woman eager to engage in carnal relations, to accept me as I am, yet, without any of the vulnerability or commitment is a boost to my sense of significance. In short, I am worthy because she finds me worthy.) This treasonous pride masks the truth of “I am unworthy, He is worthy.”

  5. Rob Rakis says:

    Since I’m answering two people at once I’ll just do it like this. I don’t really know what “taught” me it was wrong, I think my parents sort of instilled it in. Me as a youth. As far as what I was replacing with porn, I’d have to say it’s because my father was paralyzed by a tumor when I was young and my mom spent a lot of time with my dad at the hospital and I think I suffered some lack of womanly influence. Plus my mom was a bit harsh with me as a teen so I think the women in porn “wanted to make me feel good” so those things all worked together. Which is funny since my parents were, in a way, responsible for my not liking porn and my wanting to view it.

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